Sanity

There is a direct connection between how much stress I build up over time and how emotional and angry I get once the stress gets to be too much. I now am at the point where there is little that does not set me off. I wish I could blame it on PMS, but that just isn't a valid cause anymore. I need an outlet that gets my aggression and frustration out. I should exercise, but I'm far to busy (lazy) for that. I could see a therapist, but I'm spending enough on medical crap to be pouring more money into the broken and retarded health care system. And my band aid of having a glass of wine at night has proven to be anti-relaxing lately. No, I think this blog will do the trick for now. Though it did not help last night as I was throwing D's toys down the basement stairs in a fit of cleaning (see I can clean my house...the whole house...when I'm at the breaking point). I would have had J take over the bath time after D dumped a bucket full of water out of the tub, but I was determined to control the situation. Yeah that didn't work. Whats funny is I use to be critical of the way my sister yelled and punished my nephews, but I get it. I really, really get it! It's an awful feeling to focus anger at my son. Its not his fault that I've had a hard time dealing, nor is it fair for me to feel alone in raising my child. Yes J is there to help when I need it, but I always feel like I should be able to handle it. I'm the mother, that's the way its suppose to be. Detached working father, attentive loving mother. Its too bad I'm the furthest thing from attentive. Loving? Absolutely, but I'm so distracted by work, school, a constantly disgusting house, cooking dinner, and some days I even take a shower!

I hope I get it together.